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Scraps of life

This Is How It’s going To Be

I am not an adventure, I am not a cliff to climb, you don’t need to be protected from me, you won’t fall for me. You will leave. You will roam, you will climb, you will protect yourself, you will use ropes and metal and knots and never fall farther than you mean to, and I will be left here alone. 

And I am not a home.

I Don’t Know What This Means For Us is what you had to say on the matter

I Saw This Coming was the only thing I could reply, and well, isn’t that the truth. 

You will leave with the summer, leaving me behind, and I will continue to go to work every day and live on the weekends because the unfortunate fact is that I am Doing Well and Moving Up in the world and it would be really, really spiteful of me to leave the good I have been given here. I have no way of reconciling this desire I have to work and create and be useful with the pull of the road. Eventually I will be on that road, but it won’t be this Fall. 

I can’t promise I won’t be spiteful and I can’t promise I won’t be mean, even though I am not really either of those things. I am just the woman you will leave behind, and maybe you’ll miss me one of those nights you are laying out beneath the stars and thinking about that first night we were on the road, in the depths of that forest looking up while we held each other quietly, both stunned that this was happening to Us.

Wasn’t this the Best Summer Ever?

I won’t wait around for you, but where am I going to go, really? I will still be here, in whatever sense, when you do return, if you do return. I won’t wait around for you, but I am out of energy to burn, I am out of the energy it takes to learn someone new. I am high and dry. I am a drought you are leaving behind, I am All Out. 

I am tired, and tired of being tired. I will wait out the winter and hope for spring rains. I will sit quietly at night, in the darkness, and think about the places you might be and know that none of them are anyplace I could reach over and touch you. 

I Did Not Want This.

Baby’s first chigger bites… speaking of climbing… boo. Well it’s either that or some really nasty poison ivy. Either way it’s been bleached and isolated. 

Brian put some crazy filters on this… but that’s what the top of the climb looks like :-)

Brian put some crazy filters on this… but that’s what the top of the climb looks like :-)

These Days

I have been sleeping in my bed as though it is not my own. I fall into it spitefully and sometimes not entirely aware of what I am doing - as though someone has placed me there and said, here, you will sleep here. How many times in the past three months have I woken up at three am, lights all on, groggy and cold because I never got under the covers? Too many times to recount. Today my neck hurts from sleeping propped up against my headboard, and I didn’t even recognize the things I had apparently left lying on the bed; small piles of things I slept around all night without touching. I do not know how it came to be this way, but I want to get back to feeling at home… 

Weekend Wonder

It was another good weekend out and about, although there weren’t any photos this time. I took Brian to the County Fair on Saturday, and despite arriving late and not eating all day, we had a good time. Brian got to see a ton of farm animals up close and personal, which was new for him, and I got to reflect on how many things in my life I just take for granted. He also (nearly) won fifty bucks at the climbing wall in the midway - we were laughing thinking that they didn’t account for the fact that an actual climber might show up, but sure enough it was rigged just like everything else. It was fun though! I did not give it a go due to the fact that I was wearing a skirt, alas. 

Sunday after camping (and listening to the tent across from us snore), we hit up the ‘Gunks and Brian led his first 5.7, which I of course, followed. There was the cutest, most well-behaved crag dog there, as well as a less-well behaved millipede that peed in my helmet. I also managed to get in a belly roll! on a climb that was NOT Belly Roll and there was no graceful way of pulling that roof, that’s what we decided. I do it for the views. On the way home we had one of the more intense ice cream stops I’ve ever been on, with fighting couples, an ambulance emergency in the parking lot, and a trailer the size of a house. Excitement plus! Now I’m nursing my bruises and trying not to think about whether or not I am prepared for this upcoming weekend…

The party at the top of Brace Mountain

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